Please note that when I was a child I had an enormous head and tiny body. To some extent this is still the case.

My 23rd Birthday.

My diary ran sporadically from the end of 1999 to June 2000, and I believe may be a document of important historical significance, given its reference to Harry Potter, and approximately 200 blatant lies about girls.

I found it recently in a box of old yo-yos and Spice Girl memorabilia, and have written it down for you to now read.

Here we go.

31st December 1999

Sat at home doing nothing.

Sunday 2nd January 2000

Took camera to school and took photos of Lucy. She got annoyed so I stopped.

Saturday 8th January 2000

Roller disco, 3-4pm. Met a girl called Rachel. Really gorgous!

Totes gorg.

Monday 31st January 2000

Esme’s party was GREAT. (Party of a lifetime!)

Monday 14th February 2000

3 cards, 3 toffees, soap, frosties, bear and hugs, also polo gummies and a big box of frute pastilles.

Tuesday 7th March 2000

Pancake Day. Ill.

Friday 17th March 2000

I love Susie!

Sunday 19th March 2000

Susie is now my girlfriend! We kissed for 1 minute 2 seconds in the woods. (We timed it.)

Tuesday 21st March 2000

Gas explosion outside Susie’s house! My darling love bucket! New word: procrastinate.

P.S. I hope she wasn’t hurt! (Help!)

Wednesday 22nd March 2000

Was asked out by the most wonderful girl, but decided to stay loyal to Susie – she is my darling! New word: Alkall. Girl called: Alicia.

Thursday 23rd March 2000

No one hurt in gas explosion. I love Susie! New word: Vegan.

Friday 24th March 2000

Thought about life but had to stop because I got depressed. I will always love Susie! New word: lauryl.

Saturday 25th March 2000

Went to Burger King, I had large chips. I still love Susie. New word: I’ve given up, I know most words.

Monday 27th March 2000

I sent a letter to Richard Curtis, who writes The Vicar of Dibley – I hope he replies! I fancy Alice.

I know.

Tuesday 28th March 2000

Told Jack about Susie. He looked right jealous! But who wouldn’t be?

Wednesday 29th March 2000

Soon I will borrow a Vicar of Dibley DVD from the library. I have finished a 20 page file with stuff about The Vicar of Dibley off the internet.

Sunday 2nd April 2000

Susie’s ditched me, so now I’m going for Lucy. She drew loads of pictures in my art book. I love Lucy!

Thursday 18th May 2000

Jamie once fancies Hannah (hard not to) but she ignored him. He don’t love her any longer but she’s always flirting with us. Jamie and me don’t know why she didn’t flirt when he fancied her.

I sort of like Hannah.

Wednesday 21st June 2000

The Pagans looked so silly leaping around Stonehenge! But I must respect their tradition.

Saturday 8th July 2000

Harry Potter book out, YAY!

(This isn’t the Harry Potter book, it’s my diary)

 And that’s it. Not quite Pepys, but valuable nonetheless. Did I ever get back together with Susie? Did Hannah ever flirt with Jamie while he fancied her? I guess we’ll never know.

Here at OYMT we are committed to bringing singles the very best in relationship advice. Last year we told you “Why You Shouldn’t Care About Valentine’s Day“, and this year we’re going one step further. Here are ten things to tell yourself, this February 14th.

1. YOU’RE FOCUSSING ON YOUR WORK.

Thank goodness you don’t have a loved one to distract you from your career. How are you supposed to make progress in the world of business suits when someone is texting “Luv u bb” every fifteen minutes? No, you’re definitely better off on your own. Like a wolf, or a polar bear, or a really lonely person in a business suit.

2. ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN ANYWAY.

It’s true though, isn’t it? There aren’t any decent single people left, and this fact is particularly apparent on Valentine’s Day. They’ve all been snapped up by those men with arm muscles and cheekbones, or those women with impossibly tiny bottoms and glossy hair. Since there are clearly none available, you might as well stop looking.

3. WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS EMOTIONALLY FULFILLING.

Friday night is Date Night, right? Wrong. It’s Quest Night. As you make your way across the treacherous plains of Azeroth and Balbodor, take a moment to drink in the the majestic scenery while wearing a dressing gown and mainlining Red Bull in your bedroom. You’ll feel a real sense of calm – or possibly the early symptoms of adult onset diabetes.

4. YOUR CAT COUNTS AS A SPOUSE.

Your wedding to Mr Cuddles will be a very simple and classy ceremony, with an official photographer turning some of the more emotional moments into animated gifs. For many people, cats count as a significant other, and why shouldn’t they? Your flat might be too small for two people, but IDEAL for one human and one cat.

Unfortunately this option is not available to me as cats make me sneeze.

5. THOSE “HAPPY COUPLES” AREN’T REALLY HAPPY.

You’ve seen them. Sitting in restaurants eating spaghetti, or giggling in the restricted section of Ann Summers as they plan an evening of unhygienic frivolity. What may look like the joyous raptures of a harmonious relationship is simply the masking of pure, undiluted misery. The smiles betray the sadness. Would you really want that kind of “happiness” for yourself? No, exactly. True happiness is watching back-to-back episodes of The West Wing alone whilst wearing a crocodile onesie.

6. IT’S ALL JUST A SCAM INVENTED BY THE GREETINGS CARD INDUSTRY.

Everything’s an event now, from Christmas to Easter; Valentine’s Day to Talk Like a Pirate Day. Remember when these days were pure, before the greetings card companies came along and corrupted them? I do too, when we used to sit around a campfire, singing festive songs and talking like pirates without capitalist interference. Nowadays, being single on Valentine’s Day saves you approximately £4,500 per year.

7. THE ANONYMOUS CARD YOU RECEIVED WASN’T FROM YOUR MOTHER.

“Wow, who sent you that card?” your jealous and impressed friends will say when they spot the card on your mantelpiece.

“Oh, just some girl… you know how it is” you’ll reply mysteriously, hoping that they won’t look too closely and recognise the handwriting of a sympathetic parent.

8. YOU CAN CHANNEL THIS ANGST INTO AWARD-WINNING POETRY.

“Like a solitary panda,

Roaming the forests

Of loneliness,

Chewing upon the bamboo

Of desertion”

© Cal King 2012

9. NEXT YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT.

No it won’t. Plan ahead by ordering extra tissues and a “Best of Enya” CD.

10. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS LOVE ANYWAY.

Demi and Ashton, Russell and Katy, Zooey and Benjamin… the odds are stacked against you. That said, if you’ve found someone you tolerate, hold on to them with both hands. Never let them out of your sight – follow them into the toilet and sing them gentle lullabies while they sleep. You’re one of the lucky ones.

Heidi Glum

Happy Valentine’s Day.

1. Stay At Your Current Weight

Many people decide that the New Year is a good time to lose weight, but there’s an evolutionary reason to be a bit chubs in winter. As temperatures fall and fuel prices rise, your natural insulation keeps you feeling warm and cosy, even when the heating’s not on. Instead of boring electricty bills, spend the money you save on cakes and cocktail sausages – you can get fit in the Summer. (But you won’t.)
 

2. Don’t Learn a New Language

Languages are hard, n’est pas? Oui. Tres hard.

We are fortunate enough to live in a country that speaks English, which is approximately the best and most popular language in the world. So what’s the point in wasting time learning another one? Just make sure you only go on holidays in 2012 to places that speak English, which leaves Canada (not the French bits), USA (not the Spanish bits), Australia (not the Australian bits) and Belize.

Incidentally, I really like Belize’s new tourism strategy.
 

 

3. Spend Less Time With Your Loved Ones

Blood may be thicker than water, but unfortunately your family are thicker than blood, water and most of the other people that live in their town. Remember the Christmas when your cousin got that Pringles tube stuck on her arm? Or the time they made you switch over from University Challenge to The One Show? Show them how much you care by never spending any time with them.
 

4. Stay In Your Comfort Zone

Let’s go bungee jumping! Yeah!

No.

Deliberately deciding to place yourself in harm’s way in 2012 seems to me to an odd resolution. Your comfort zone is so called because it is simple and untaxing, like a warm bed or a sitcom starring Miranda Hart. Stay at home, thus avoiding any unnecessary peril or muscle-straining.

And yes, I know that 90% of accidents happen in the home, but at least there you’d have access to a phone, toilet and repeats of Only Fools and Horses to watch while you wait for the ambulance to arrive.
 

5. Be Worse With Money

You know that thing you’ve been looking at, but always thought was too expensive? BUY IT. Go on, treat yourself. It’s the New Year. Anyway if the Mayans (or Nic Cage) have anything to do with it, 2012 might be our last, so why not buy yourself that pair of shoes/faux fur coat/iPhone 5? You deserve it.

Happy New Year. Don’t change a thing, you’re perfect as you are.

(You’re not, but it’s nice to be nice.)
 

Anyone else excited for the Olympics?

Stephen Merchant is probably best known for his relationship with Ricky Gervais – after all, the two of them have created some of the most popular comedy in the world ever. Not only have they been responsible for hit shows, but they can also be thanked for bringing Karl Pilkington into the public eye, packing him off on international adventures.

I caught up with Stephen to see how things are going – he’s recently embarked on a new stand-up tour – and to talk a little about the future of An Idiot Abroad.

How’s the tour going?

It seems to be going well, though the only way you can really judge is if people laugh and clap. It’s been exhausting – I thought it’d be a lot more glamorous, I thought there’d be a lot more hot tubs and sex and drugs and rock and roll, but it seems to be mainly room service sandwiches and late night Nandos. Aside from that, it’s going well.

How does it feel to work on projects away from Ricky and Karl?

In a way it doesn’t feel like it’s moving away from them, it’s almost like a return to what I did originally before I met them, which was stand up. I did it on and off after university for five years, and then once the TV stuff took off I basically quit, so it’s a return to that more than thinking of it as a departure from anything else.

How long have you been working on material for the show?

Quite a long time; when I decided to go back to stand up I was dabbling in little clubs here and there, doing five or ten minutes, just really sort of getting back to match fitness. You have to get into a whole different state of mind with stand up – part of it is managing the nerves and working on your own performance aside from the material. I can’t really work it out unless I’m on stage – I have to be on stage to work out the ideas, so it’s a very slow, laborious process; it probably took a couple of years before I got to the point where I thought it was good enough to take on the road.

Do you find that your physical appearance helps your comedy?

Absolutely, I’ve always thought that. One of my heroes is John Cleese, and the fact that he was a smart guy but he also used his great height to do those funny walks; I’ve always made a feature out of that in my stand up and I’ve always been quite physical. One thing people seem to be surprised by is how physical the show is – lots of moving around and lots of acting out of scenarios, but that’s something that I’ve always done and people just aren’t necessarily aware of it.

Do you ever get sick of people mentioning your height?

Well they always have, even from a young age… I was probably this height by the time I was about 14 or 15, so it’s always been something people have observed and mentioned. I’d rather be recognised as the guy in funny comedy shows than just a bloke who is tall, so while people have always pointed and laughed, they may as well be laughing because I’m in control of it rather than just because I’m freakishly tall.

You’ve sent Karl on lots of adventures in An Idiot Abroad 2, do you ever feel a bit guilty when he’s clearly not having a good time?

I don’t feel guilty in the slightest. As he points out, the show’s called An Idiot Abroad – he wasn’t getting a lot of job offers when he came back so he may as well go back out again. I still say it beats working; he whinges and moans and complains and puts up a fight and refuses to do stuff like the bungee jump, but there’s people working down mines and digging ditches – he’s got it easy. I respect the fact he goes out and does it, but I won’t tolerate his whinging.

Are you envious of places that he’s been and the people he’s met?

Very envious – the swimming with sharks, I’d love to have done that. I’d have gone with the intention of doing it, but obviously he thought he was swimming with dolphins so I understand why he was a bit freaked out. I’d love to do the Trans Siberian Express – I was quite well travelled, but I’m now so busy managing his career that I’ve got no time to go travelling myself.

You say “managing”, does that mean you’re a bit like Darren Lamb? (Andy Millman’s agent in ‘Extras’)

Well, when I say managing his career, I mean sitting at home with Ricky cooking up stuff for him to do. I’m as disorganised as Darren Lamb but I don’t wear as many polo necks.

What’s been your favourite moment of An Idiot Abroad 2?

I think it’s probably when Karl is joining a Glee club and having to perform Van Halen’s ‘Jump’. Of all the things that he’s uncomfortable with, live performance and being on a stage is one of them. He hates it, he absolutely hates it, and so you can see the fear and the hate and the anger in his eyes. I know that one really shook him up, he was really freaked out by that experience. Quivering for hours afterwards.

I liked the land-dive.

The land-dive was pathetic.

Any thoughts about a third season?

Well, it was a big push to get him to do Season 2… I think Ricky did a very long, slow persuasion trick on him, so I wouldn’t anticipate the next one any time soon. It’s whether he gets back home and doing his grouting and he thinks, ‘actually, it would be better if I was off sunning myself somewhere’.

I wouldn’t hold out for it, but never say never.

Do you think you could ever get him to do any proper acting?

He’s not a bad actor, on the times he’s had to do it, but I don’t think that’s what he’s really into. I don’t think he’s actually got any ambitions… He always says he’d be happy working down B&Q, but I can’t imagine how he’s going to fill the rest of his days if he doesn’t stick with me and Ricky.

1. Practice Looking Cool With a Girly Drink

What’s that, A beer? Why don’t you just drink a big ol’ glass of fat, Fatty? Alcohol is actually the most calorific substance you can safely put in your body that isn’t actual fat, so a pretty good weight-loss tip would just be to give it up altogether. But I worked in a pub, and drinking is kind of an occupational hazard for bartenders.

The best solution is to switch to vodka, lime and soda, which only has about 55 calories in it. But drinking a glass looks unavoidably feminine; unless you’re taking sips in between one-armed press-ups or riding a horse bare-back, and that second one is debatable. But I found a way. On my birthday, I hit upon the genius idea of having doubles in a small glass. Then I drank eight of them. Then I wandered around the beach for ages and passed out in a puddle of my own tears. I don’t think I know what ‘manly’ means.
 

 

2. Purchase Off-Putting Gym Outfits

Gyms are full of people, and these people form a kind of living timeline: the Chubbys, then the Getting-theres, the Buffs and finally the Overdid Its. These last two camps are the ones you want to worry about, because the only thing B’s and O’s love more than lifting weights (and kissing girls, probably) is telling other B’s and O’s how to lift weights, or how many weights they’ve lifted, or how many terms like ‘reps’ and ‘core’ they know. This is just the worst; patronising advice gets you feeling self conscious even when you’re wearing That One Shirt, and when you’re soaked in all the weight you’re losing? Fuuuhgeddabowdit.

The best way to avoid this is to disguise yourself as a C or a G, which is best done one of two ways. The first, wearing baggy shapeless clothing, I achieved with a pair of tracky-bums that were two waist numbers too big for me BEFORE I lost 3 more. But after the third major operation on my shin bones I grew tired of them getting caught in the treadmill, and invested in a horrible pair of Fila shorts in order to achieve Method 2: Look Like An Insane Person. This went better than I could ever have hoped, possibly because I was proudly striding around the gym in what were clearly swimming trunks.

3. Get Yourself a Slimming Buddy

By which I don’t necessarily mean a gym partner, just someone else who wants to lose weight who will sporadically grab your stomach and wobble it while making strange noises. This must be done with unfathomable amounts of care. Do NOT just ask an overweight friend if they want to join you on the road to Slimsville. Do NOT let your severely anorexic friend do it. Also, it’s advisable to find out whether your prospective partner is a dick or not.

After a careful screening process, I went with the landlady of the aforementioned pub where I was working, who was pretty upfront about wanting to shed a few pounds. All went fine, at first. Then she started telling customers that she and I were ‘forced bulemics’. Then a few customers started expressing concern. Then one of them brought in some leaflets..

4. Go on a Family Holiday to Europe

Think about it. Every lunch is made up of salad, bread, a tiny bit of cheese and TINY bits of meat. Eating between meals makes you look like a sociopath or a depressed binge eater. Drinking is limited to a little wine with lunch and a half-bottle in the evening, and anything else makes you look like.. well, a sociopath or an alcoholic. With no internet there’s nothing to do besides walk from place to beautiful place, or swim in the blue blue sea. After ten days in the Pays-Basques I looked like I’d spent the whole time purging from dawn til dusk.

5. Give Yourself Unreasonable Incentives

‘I’m repulsed by my own weight.’
‘Do something about it then!’
‘I’m going to. I’m going to lose three stone. I’ll have a 6 pack by September.’
‘If you do, me and Suze will totally sleep with you.’
‘..You will?’
‘We will?’
‘…’
‘Hahaha’
‘Hahaha’
‘…Ha.’

Peter Serafinowicz, found talking about movies each week as the host of Orange’s Film Night Live, is a towering colossus of comedy. Huge on Twitter and somehow even bigger in real life, he has appeared in films, British and American sitcoms and had his own sketch show. He’s something of cult hero, with his brand of silliness and anti-humour standing out from some of today’s more mainstream comedy.

I find Peter sitting at a table in a Notting Hill cafe, and proceed to interrupt his lunch for the following half an hour with inane questions. I greet him with a polite “hebbo” (the greeting of his and Robert Popper’s religion, Tarvuism) and jump right in.

You’re co-creator of a religion – what does the future hold for Tarvuism?

Robert Popper and I would really like to do a film or a TV show about it, it’s a tricky one to do because people don’t really want to touch things that are critical of religion. The things online are very Scientology based, but we wanted it to be a spoof of all religions. I was brought up Catholic and Robert’s Jewish – they both have their very silly aspects.

When me and Robert do stuff, we try and make it… you know, we’re not super hard-hitting, we don’t like to be cruel, we like to rejoice in the silliness of things.

Would you direct it?

I think we’d both like to direct it, I’d really like to direct a feature film.

Can finding funding be a problem?

It’s extremely hard, it’s like 100 times harder than getting a television show going, which is HARD, even if you have a certain degree of experience and success. And it’s hard to write stuff, no matter where you are in you career… life is HARD.

You were involved with Funny or Die UK, do you think there’s any scope for its return, or something similar?

It’s down to money again – to even make those sketches, and make them look as good as possible, everything needs money. There just isn’t a way to monetize a website like that at the moment. It’s interesting what Fosters are doing, sponsoring Alan Partridge and Vic and Bob, and that’s something that I’d like to get involved with – it seems like a good model. People might think that having the whole thing sponsored by a big company is selling out, but that’s how things get made, unfortunately!

Off the top of your head, how many Butterfield diet foods can you remember?

Mystery meat, hoisin crispy owl, twenty cheese omelette, quiches Lorraine…

BONBONBONBONS!

Bonbonbonbons, of course…

How long did it take to think them up?

I think it was me and James who wrote that one – I think about 5 minutes? One thing we’d really like to do is a Brian Butterfield film – there are two things we want to do with him; a film where he’s a detective, and him doing a chat show.

One sketch has Brian Butterfield rapping along to Biggie Smalls, any more of that?

We want, at some point in the film, for Brian to go undercover as a Notorious B.I.G. impersonator.

You’re a big music fan, what are you listening to at the moment?

I’m listening to a lot of hip hop, this one guy called French Montana who was recommended to me by this amazing guy called Chilly Gonzalez who’s a rapper, but also one of the world’s greatest pianists. He’s in residence at the Soho Theatre for two weeks, and I really urge you to go and see him. I also love the theme from Paint Along With Nancy.

I don’t know that, could you hum it?

It’s a weird un-hummable tune! It’s brilliant. I do love 70’s library music too, I’m a bit of a connoisseur.

And you did the music for Look Around You?

Yeah Robert and I did the music. I mainly did the synthesizer-y stuff and Robert is an incredibly talented classical guitarist, so he did all the guitar. He’s a bit of a musical genius really.

Other than the Orange’s Film Night Live, what are you working on at the moment?

The Butterfield film, and I’ve got a book coming out of the jokes I put out on twitter that I’ve been quietly stockpiling…

Talking of Twitter, you’re chums with Rob Delaney and Megan Amram, any chance of a collaboration?

They’re both amazing. Megan is brilliant – there are some great young female funny people on twitter, and Megan is just hysterical. I’m hoping to do a show with them at some point. I’m also a big fan of Reggie Watts, he’s hilarious.

How did you break into the industry?

I sent a cassette of me doing lots of different voices to a producer at Radio 4. Nowadays, it’s so much easier for somebody like me or someone who’s interested in comedy, because if you’re funny, you’ve got an audience of millions right there [the internet]. I remember when Robert and I did the calcium pilot for Look Around You in 1999,  we had to copy it onto VHS and send them out to people and it cost a fortune, we had tapes all over the place. Now, you can just email someone a link. It’s nuts man, it’s nuts. It’s an exciting time. Go on, ask me another question!

(I get a bit flustered.) You were in a show called Running Wilde, do you like to run wild?

I used to run wild, back in my thirties.  Wait, I’m in my thirties! In my twenties I mean, I was a lunatic. But I run tame now. Walk tame.

(I ask a similar question about Look Around You, and clearly looking for more intelligent questions, Peter reads off my bit of paper.)

Do I still get starstruck? I’m starstruck right now. I do, totally. There’s so many people I get to work with who are total heroes.

Anything planned with Will Arnett in the future?

I hope so. He’s doing a sitcom at the moment in the States, and I’d love to do something again with him, y’know. He’s one of the funniest human beings on the planet, and he’s married to one of the other funniest human beings.

And with a swoosh, he’s off – to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

(Originally posted in February 2011)

With Valentine’s Day coming up, it’s easy to get swept along on the tide of nauseating sentimentality – but don’t worry, here’s a list of films to watch on Monday if you’re sick of the whole thing. Maybe you’re single, or perhaps are looking for a way to subtly hint to your partner that you’d like to split up, either way these films are the antidote to romance.

Knocked Up

Unfortunately intended as a “romantic comedy” Knocked Up is more frightening than watching United 93 on a plane. It centers around the HILARITY that ensues when a one-nigh-stand results in pregnancy and the OH SO FUNNY awkwardness between the two parties involved. Predictably they fall in love and it’s all wonderful, which is basically what always happens in real life after these types of things. Always.

If you’re single: Pat yourself on the back for not having to worry about this particular issue. Never going near women means never accidentally getting them pregnant. You’re onto a winner there.

If you want to break up: Watch it with your partner, and during the birth scene turn to her with tears in your eyes and say “I can’t wait ’til that’s you”.

Munich

Perhaps romantic if you’re an Ultra-Zionist, for the rest of us Munich is a dreary slog through the horror that is the world. Someone kills a bunch of people, someone else retaliates by killing EVERYONE in various horrible ways. When I first saw Munich, it took me six hours to watch because I had to keep pausing it for a few minutes to remind myself that happiness can exist in the world.

Munich is like the dementor’s kiss of cinematic experiences, so chances are no romance will ever occur whilst watching it.

If you’re single: Remind yourself just how awful human interaction is. Isn’t it awful?

If you want to break up: Announce that you’re vehemently pro-Israel and that in your opinion Eric Bana didn’t do enough killing.

I Spit On Your Grave

When a film’s genre is listed on Wikipedia as “rape revenge” you can probably tell that it wasn’t made by the team behind Madagascar 2. In reality it’s thought to be one of the most unpleasant and violent films ever made, and therefore is definite first date material. If you try it, let me know how that worked out for you. I’m going to assume not well.

If you’re single: I probably wouldn’t admit to watching this film alone.

If you want to break up: Insist that your partner watches this film with you because it’s your absolute favourite, second only to The Lion King.

War and Peace

At 507 minutes in total, this Soviet bear of a movie is one of the longest films ever made, and thus the perfect way to show your Valentine just how much you like to spend time with her. Also it’s in Russian, so I’d estimate that’s about 500,000 subtitles you’ll be reading – look away for any romantic shenanigans and you’ll have completely lost what’s going on and have to rewind.

No, War and Peace demands total, unwavering attention for 8 hours. No hanky panky for you, which means your relationship will inevitably falter and die, thanks to this film.

If you’re single: Watching this gives you quite a lot of street-cred among the right kind of people. “What kind of films do you like?” they’ll ask, as they twirl their handlebar moustaches. “Oh, you know, eight hour Soviet epics”, you’ll reply as you sip a pink gin.

If you want to break up: Wait until the film finishes, and then announce that you’ve got War and Peace 2 on dvd and that you MUST WATCH IT NOW.

P.S. I Love You

It has all the hallmarks of a romantic film – a beefy Irish (but actually Scottish) beefman, a simpering, irritating female lead, and a premise more emotionally manipulative than that video where Christian the lion meets his old trainer. But in reality, P.S I Love You leaves you feeling drained – an empty shell of a human who just watched a deceased love one toy with his grieving partner’s emotions for 90 minutes.

Gerard Butler writes his girlfriend notes before he dies, and somehow knows how she responds to each one. It goes something a little like this.

Dear Kate (or something) – I’ve died, but you’ve got to keep on living your life! Go out with my best friend Jonty.

I can’t go out with your best friend Jonty!

I knew you’d say that, and I’m touched by your loyalty, but you must!

Oh, OK then.

Whereas in reality, if any of us were to write our surviving partner notes, they’d probably be more like:

Dear Kate (or something) – I’ve died, but you’ve got to keep on living your life! Go out with my best friend Jonty.

Sweet! To be fair he was always more attractive than you.

I knew you’d say that, and I’m touched by your loyalty, but you must!

I’ve just said I will! Jeez it’s like your not even listening.

If you’re single: why on earth are you watching P.S I Love You?

If you want to break up: Your partner will now have such high expectations of the relationship, that by just carrying on as normal (i.e not dying and leaving romantic love notes) they’ll ultimately leave you for someone more Irish.

The Ones Who State The Obvious

Usually men from New York, with 27,000 followers due to their ability to jump on hashtags and write ludicrously retweetable (and grammatically incorrect) sentences.

“Hitting women #thingsthatarequiteobviouslybad”

The Ones Who Say Too Much

Usually for about twenty minutes a day, one of these users (often a fourteen year old girl who you probably shouldn’t be following anyway) will deliver a barrage of annoying, short messages which take up 90% of your timeline.

“Ugh”

“Just put my foot in the wrong hole of my pants lol”

“Going outside”

“I hate school”

“Why is Eddy not talking to me”

“Oh it’s ok he’s talking to me now”

“Going inside”

The ones who say nothing.

Their first and last tweet was on June 14th 2008 and yet you continue to follow them. Who knows, maybe they’ll return with some pearls of hilarious wit. Maybe not.

The ones who make me uncomfortable

There’s a time and place to talk about sex and periods and things like that. Actually, no there isn’t. Just stop talking about them. It should be illegal.

Fake celebrities

Some are amusing, some are bafflingly obscure, and some are people pretending to be the escaped snake from the Bronx Zoo. Quite simply, pretending to be someone else on twitter will NEVER GET OLD! (It may get old.)

Real celebrities asking for I.T. advice

Most of us have to take our broken PC to a shop, to have expensive geeks have a look at it and steal our holiday photos, but if you’re a well known person on twitter, you can simply ask for the assistance of the collective Twitter Brain.

Justin Bieber Fans

I have to admit, I’m still not totally sure what the fuss about Justin Bieber is. Sure, his hair looks like sunlight hitting the roof of a beautiful thatched cottage in The Cotswolds, but he’s clearly not as talented as Rebecca Black. That said, the girls love him. They’re everywhere. Apparently 3% of Twitter’s servers are now dedicated to the mop-haired eunuch.

Celebrities talking to each other

It’s like sitting in the pub with your role models and heroes, except they neither know nor care that you’re there. You can try to join in the conversation, but they won’t be listening; they don’t even know you exist.

The ones who are “big on twitter”

He might live with his mother (all us cool kids do) and be inherently unemployable, but somehow he’s got over two thousand followers on twitter. This means everyone respects what he says despite it being tedious.

The ones who you can’t remember why you’re following

As they fill your feed with pictures of their kitten playing with a ball of wool, you wonder what it was that inspired you to click the Follow button. Did they say something hilarious that someone else retweeted? Did they retweet you? There must be some reason, but as you wade through dull descriptions of their daily routine, it’s hard to remember.

The ones who overuse hashtags

The point of the hashtag, in my opinion, is to link lots of peoples’ tweets together into one easily searchable form. Best for events or discussions, adding “#London2012″ makes it easier to find people discussing the same topic. What hashtags are used for in reality, is a bit more annoying.

“This sandwich is delicious! #eatingasandwich”

The ones with offensive views, but that you know in real life and so can’t unfollow.

“EDL! EDL!” tweets the guy you work with. You know that if you unfollow him you risk having an awkward conversation the next day, or getting an ominous tweet saying “thanks for unfollowing” because he uses Who.unfollowed.me.

The ones in real life who remind you that they’re reading everything you post.

“I hear you’re having a bit of trouble with your next door neighbour?” Your next door neighbour says, having read every one of your tweets about his annoying Englebert Humperdink and late-night drumming habits.

Also the police might drop you a line, if you make any jokes about blowing up an airport.

Dating has always seemed odd to me; the idea of appraising someone from the word go – deciding how much you like them, whether or not you can see a future; how long your marriage would last and the effects a divorce would have on your hypothetical children – is more than a little daunting.

But recently, I put on my going-out shirt, brushed my teeth and dabbed on some Old Spice. I was going on a date. I had her number, so I could give directions if she got lost (or spam her if she stood me up) and all the preparations were complete.

I left the house.

On the train however, I sneezed four times in a row, and had a minor panic attack before whipping out my phone.

“Could you bring hayfever tablets? Not a joke” I texted the girl I would soon be meeting, assuming that since she’d be appraising my attractiveness, a dry nose might be preferable to a wet one.

“Er, ok” was the reply.

Off to a good start then, and at least I hopefully wouldn’t spend the whole time crying. (Due to the pollen)

We met at the station, she gave me a hayfever tablet, and we walked to a nearby bar at which I could drink heavily to disguise my social awkwardness.

I walked up the bar and confidently asked for a bottle of Corona.

“This is a Sam Smith Pub” replied the barman. My date looked unimpressed.

“WKD?” I asked.

Once we’d sat down with our pints of Father Jumpy’s Scrumpy Ale (I hate Sam Smith pubs) we began to talk. Well, I began to talk, and she began to watch me talk. Oh how I talked and talked, I talked about music, about contemporary culture, and at one point about the difference between gherkins and pickles. “What is the difference between a gherkin and a pickle?” I asked. She didn’t know.

I then saw her rings, one of which was a fancy affair with a large (fake) gemstone in the middle. I asked to have a look at it, and she reluctantly parted with it in order for me to get a closer look.

“It’s really nice”, I said sliding it onto my middle finger. It slid on easily, like a buttered eel. I admired it for a moment before going to pull it off.

I couldn’t get it off.

“I can’t get it off”, I said.

My date began to laugh nervously as I heaved and strained, but it wouldn’t budge.

“The more you panic, the more your finger swells and the harder it is to get off” she said wisely, as I sat there panicking and swelling. I was mortified, not only because I had an ornate ring stuck on my middle finger, but because there was a chance I might be accidentally mugging a girl I’d only recently met.

Just as I was mulling over my options (disappear off to the toilets and use soap, or ask at the bar for some lard) and tugging at my finger, the ring flew off. The digit looked battered and sad, but at least I wouldn’t be leaving with my date’s jewellery attached to my hand.

“I’m afraid I might have stretched your ring” I said.

There was an uncomfortable silence. We both knew what I’d said, and the discomfort swelled like a giant balloon. It didn’t just swell, it caught fire and exploded – it was The Hindenberg of uncomfortable silences. My unintended double entendre, my unentendre, was out there and there was no escape.

I sat there for a few moments before I laughed and nervously tried to change the subject back to something less controversial.

“Did you know that the latin name for a gherkin is “cucumis sativus?”

Arrive late

Making a good first impression on a date is important – girls often base their entire opinion of a man purely  on the first few seconds of a meeting. For this reason, make sure you’re at least 20 minutes late for the date – that way, the relief she’ll feel when she realises she hasn’t been stood up will be the lasting impression she has of you. You will be like a knight, rescuing her from an awkward situation. That you caused.

Late Knight

Imply that everything is her fault/subtly put her down

“Our order’s only taking so long because you ordered salad – everyone knows salad takes longer to prepare than fillet steak with a peppercorn sauce and onion rings.”

“I’m only late because you told me the wrong time.”

“I love how shrill and irritating your voice is.”

“It’s a nice dress. I wish my nan let me borrow her clothes.”

A simpler time.

Imagine her naked and let her know that’s what you’re doing

This could possibly be as a reply to “what’re you thinking?” which is the staple of awkward silences across the globe. Women appreciate honesty, so even if you weren’t thinking of your date naked, pretend you’re being honest and say you were picturing her naked. It will make her feel desired, and also make awkward silences a thing of the past.*

*not guaranteed.
 

Pretend you’ve forgotten her name and call her a man’s name for the rest of the date

You will appear lofty and aloof, and girls love that. Nice guys finish last, dickheads finish first, but you’re so above it all you’re not even in the race. Put on a leather jacket, ignore her for at least 10 minutes, and she’ll be like warm putty in your hand. Not that you care.
 

I couldn’t find a picture for this one.

Don’t offer to pay for anything

Thanks to the surprising success of feminism, women are generally now expected to pay for dates. When you’ve finished your meal, push the plate away from you, gaze lovingly into your date’s eyes, and don’t break the stare until she’s paid the bill. It’s very important that you keep staring. Imperative, almost. It will assert your dominance, and make up for the fact that you haven’t had any money since you lost your job at the meat-packing factory.

Going Dutch.

Beg for a second date, and if she says no, cry.

It just shows that you care.

Kind of like this.