Here at OYMT we are committed to bringing singles the very best in relationship advice. Last year we told you “Why You Shouldn’t Care About Valentine’s Day“, and this year we’re going one step further. Here are ten things to tell yourself, this February 14th.

1. YOU’RE FOCUSSING ON YOUR WORK.

Thank goodness you don’t have a loved one to distract you from your career. How are you supposed to make progress in the world of business suits when someone is texting “Luv u bb” every fifteen minutes? No, you’re definitely better off on your own. Like a wolf, or a polar bear, or a really lonely person in a business suit.
 
2. ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN ANYWAY.

It’s true though, isn’t it? There aren’t any decent single people left, and this fact is particularly apparent on Valentine’s Day. They’ve all been snapped up by those men with arm muscles and cheekbones, or those women with impossibly tiny bottoms and glossy hair. Since there are clearly none available, you might as well stop looking.
 

3. WORLD OF WARCRAFT IS EMOTIONALLY FULFILLING.

Friday night is Date Night, right? Wrong. It’s Quest Night. As you make your way across the treacherous plains of Azeroth and Balbodor, take a moment to drink in the the majestic scenery while wearing a dressing gown and mainlining Red Bull in your bedroom. You’ll feel a real sense of calm – or possibly the early symptoms of adult onset diabetes.

4. YOUR CAT COUNTS AS A SPOUSE.

Your wedding to Mr Cuddles will be a very simple and classy ceremony, with an official photographer turning some of the more emotional moments into animated gifs. For many people, cats count as a significant other, and why shouldn’t they? Your flat might be too small for two people, but IDEAL for one human and one cat.

Unfortunately this option is not available to me as cats make me sneeze.

5. THOSE “HAPPY COUPLES” AREN’T REALLY HAPPY.

You’ve seen them. Sitting in restaurants eating spaghetti, or giggling in the restricted section of Ann Summers as they plan an evening of unhygienic frivolity. What may look like the joyous raptures of a harmonious relationship is simply the masking of pure, undiluted misery. The smiles betray the sadness. Would you really want that kind of “happiness” for yourself? No, exactly. True happiness is watching back-to-back episodes of The West Wing alone whilst wearing a crocodile onesie.

 
6. IT’S ALL JUST A SCAM INVENTED BY THE GREETINGS CARD INDUSTRY.

Everything’s an event now, from Christmas to Easter; Valentine’s Day to Talk Like a Pirate Day. Remember when these days were pure, before the greetings card companies came along and corrupted them? I do too, when we used to sit around a campfire, singing festive songs and talking like pirates without capitalist interference. Nowadays, being single on Valentine’s Day saves you approximately £4,500 per year.

7. THE ANONYMOUS CARD YOU RECEIVED WASN’T FROM YOUR MOTHER.

“Wow, who sent you that card?” your jealous and impressed friends will say when they spot the card on your mantelpiece.

“Oh, just some girl… you know how it is” you’ll reply mysteriously, hoping that they won’t look too closely and recognise the handwriting of a sympathetic parent.

 
8. YOU CAN CHANNEL THIS ANGST INTO AWARD-WINNING POETRY.

“Like a solitary panda,

Roaming the forests

Of loneliness,

Chewing upon the bamboo

Of desertion”

© Cal King 2012

9. NEXT YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT.

No it won’t. Plan ahead by ordering extra tissues and a “Best of Enya” CD.

 
10. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS LOVE ANYWAY.

Demi and Ashton, Russell and Katy, Zooey and Benjamin… the odds are stacked against you. That said, if you’ve found someone you tolerate, hold on to them with both hands. Never let them out of your sight – follow them into the toilet and sing them gentle lullabies while they sleep. You’re one of the lucky ones.

Heidi Glum

Happy Valentine’s Day.