With cancer still on the go and a distinct lack of time-travel devices in your local Currys, maybe it’s about time we re-evaluated where we’re directing our collective brainpower. With the science of shaving, the study of “good bacteria” and the fabrication of antipeptic peptides drawing more attention than the present state of teleportation, it is important that we keep things in perspective and discourage invention for invention’s sake. Listed below are four avenues of research and advancement that have reached their end.

Toothpaste

I realise that my unhealthy addiction to popcorn might not be a dentist’s gift to teeth, however I refuse to cherish my enamel with all the dedication of an endangered species. New toothpaste’s seem to be released with similar regularity to many fashion trends, the focus shifting from plaque to whitening almost as often three buttoned suits lose out to two buttoned brethren. While I realise that teeth are important, I’m quite happy with the toothpaste I have, Aquagate Total Combined Pro-Relief For Sensitive Teeth or something. Let’s not forget, shall we, that I could be brushing my teeth with Sunny Delight and they would still live longer than the rest of me.

Razors

Now, I’m no fan of a snaggy shave but just how close can a razor get? At nearly £10 a time, and with so many brands and variations to choose from, I’m quite ready to accept five minutes of discomfort every other morning if it means that I don’t have to pay attention to the increasingly ridiculous advertising campaigns. Now that we have arrived at the Gillette Fusion ProGlide, it is clear that the multiplying blades are just going to get smaller and smaller until they disappear all together. Until that day, might I suggest you stall your Mach in Turbo and start inventing Jetpacks like the movies promised us.

Vacuum cleaners

Now, I may be biased in my ignorance, my floor would unlikely recognise my vacuum cleaner even if it was clearly labelled Henry, but how much more is there for Dyson to do? Even my rather prehistoric vacuum cleaner still picks shit up off the floor, entombing spiders until I one day get over my crippling phobia. The Dyson Ball might come in a variety of colours but the idea is still the same. After all, just how often am I going to have to hoover an obstacle course anyway? Please stop wasting your time Mr. Wilkinson, why not put your sword to good use an find a cure for the common Kerry Katona.

Kitchen roll

Thirst pockets? I’m sorry, but even as an indebted graduate living off minimum wage I do not find myself delicately folding kitchen roll in order to get the most use out of every individual square. Hell, I have become so accustomed to bypassing the kitchen roll aisle altogether that I have become a dab hand at using a towel to dry things. I know, how quaint.